Someone tells you that you look lovely.

Or that you did a brilliant job.

Perhaps they tell you how confident you seemed in a meeting, how well you handled a difficult situation or how much they appreciate something you have done.

And what happens?

Instead of simply saying, “Thank you,” you immediately bat it away.

“Oh, it was nothing.”

“I was just lucky.”

“Anyone could have done it.”

“This old thing? I’ve had it for years.”

Or perhaps you quickly turn the compliment back onto the other person so the attention moves away from you.

Why do we do that?

Most of us would probably say that we would like to feel confident, valued and appreciated.

Yet when somebody actually gives us that positive feedback, it can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

And sometimes the reason has very little to do with the compliment itself.

Why do compliments make me uncomfortable?

One possible reason is that what the other person is saying doesn’t quite match the way you see yourself.

Imagine that somewhere in the background you carry a belief such as:

“I’m not very confident.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m nothing special.”

“I always get things wrong.”

Then somebody comes along and tells you the exact opposite.

They tell you that you were brilliant.

That you looked confident.

That you handled something incredibly well.

Now your mind has two different pieces of information.

There is the belief you already hold about yourself, and there is this new information coming from somebody else.

Your mind can find information easier to accept when it already fits with what it believes.

So:

“You did an amazing job.”

becomes:

“They’re only being nice.”

And:

“You look fantastic.”

becomes:

“They don’t really mean it.”

The compliment hasn’t necessarily been rejected because it isn’t true.

It may have been rejected because it doesn’t comfortably fit the story you already hold about yourself.

I talk more about where some of these beliefs can come from in Why do I lack confidence? The belief that’s usually hiding underneath it:

Why can’t I accept compliments?

Sometimes this goes much further back than we realise.

Perhaps you were taught that accepting praise meant showing off.

Maybe you heard phrases such as:

“Don’t get too big for your boots.”

“Don’t boast.”

“Nobody likes a show-off.”

There is nothing wrong with learning humility.

But sometimes a slightly different message can get absorbed:

Don’t acknowledge the things you’re good at.

And that can become part of the way you see yourself.

You might even begin to describe yourself as:

“I’m just shy.”

“I’ve never been confident.”

“I’m not the sort of person who likes attention.”

But are those facts about who you are?

Or are they labels that have become familiar over the years?

I explore that in more detail in Why do I keep labelling myself?

The more often we repeat a thought, behaviour or reaction, the more familiar it can become.

Eventually, batting away a compliment might happen before you have even consciously decided what to say.

Why do I always deflect compliments?

If you have responded to praise in the same way hundreds of times, your mind doesn’t necessarily stop and reconsider the response every time.

The pattern becomes familiar.

Somebody compliments you.

You make a joke.

Somebody praises something you have done.

You give somebody else the credit.

Somebody tells you that you look good.

You point out what you think is wrong instead.

It can happen almost automatically.

And an automatic response is not necessarily an accurate reflection of how you deserve to see yourself.

It may simply be a response your mind has practised very well.

I explain more about how these patterns develop in Why do habits become automatic? How your mind learns routines and reactions:

Is deflecting compliments a sign of low self-esteem?

Not necessarily.

There are many reasons someone might feel awkward receiving praise.

Family habits, culture, modesty, embarrassment and simply not knowing how to respond can all play a part.

But if you consistently struggle to accept anything positive about yourself, it can be useful to become curious about what is happening underneath that response.

Perhaps you can see other people’s strengths easily.

You encourage them.

You praise them.

You reassure friends when they doubt themselves.

You tell other people that they deserve recognition for the things they have achieved.

But when the same kindness is directed towards you?

Suddenly the rules change.

Why?

What makes it acceptable for somebody else to recognise their strengths but uncomfortable for you to recognise yours?

That can be an interesting question to explore.

If you recognise some of these patterns and would like to understand what may be driving them, you can book a free 45-minute discovery call with me.

We can talk about what you are experiencing, what you would like to change and whether hypnotherapy could be an appropriate approach for you.

Why does anxiety make compliments feel uncomfortable?

Anxiety has a habit of turning even something positive into another question.

Someone tells you that you did brilliantly.

And instead of simply hearing the compliment, your mind begins investigating it.

“Did they really mean that?”

“Were they just being polite?”

“What if everyone else thought I was terrible?”

“What if they expect me to do that well again?”

“What if I can’t?”

Suddenly a perfectly nice comment has become another situation to analyse.

There can also be another element.

Attention.

If you already worry about what people think of you, even positive attention can feel uncomfortable.

For a moment, the focus is on you.

So your quickest route back to feeling comfortable might be to minimise the compliment and move the conversation somewhere else.

Why don’t I believe people when they compliment me?

If somebody criticises you, how quickly does your mind take notice?

Now compare that with what happens when somebody compliments you.

Does the criticism become evidence,

while the compliment goes on trial?

“They probably didn’t mean it.”

“They say that to everyone.”

“They were just being polite.”

“It wasn’t really anything special.”

That can give us a clue about an underlying belief.

Your mind may not be deciding which information is objectively true.

It may simply find it easier to accept information that agrees with something it already believes.

If the belief underneath is:

“I’m not good enough,”

then criticism appears to support it.

Praise challenges it.

And sometimes challenging a familiar belief can feel surprisingly uncomfortable, even when that belief is no longer helpful.

Why do compliments make me feel embarrassed?

For some people, accepting a compliment feels dangerously close to saying:

“Yes. I agree. I’m wonderful!”

But those are two very different things.

Accepting praise does not make you arrogant.

Confidence and superiority are not the same.

Confidence can simply mean being able to recognise:

“I handled that well.”

“I’m pleased with what I achieved.”

“Yes, that is something I’m good at.”

You do not have to make yourself smaller in order to make somebody else comfortable.

And you do not have to know everything or get everything right before you are allowed to feel confident.

Why am I confident in some situations but not others?

Confidence isn’t always consistent.

You might run a business, manage a team, raise a family, solve problems every day or be the person everybody else turns to when something goes wrong.

Yet a compliment can leave you completely tongue-tied.

That isn’t as contradictory as it sounds.

We can have confidence in our ability to do something while still carrying older beliefs about our own value.

That is one reason simply telling yourself to “be more confident” rarely gets to the heart of the issue.

The conscious part of you may already know perfectly well that you are capable.

Another part of your mind simply hasn’t caught up yet.

How do I accept compliments without feeling awkward?

Start with something very simple.

The next time somebody compliments you, notice your automatic response.

You don’t have to change anything immediately.

Just become curious.

Does your mind want to dismiss it?

Explain it away?

Make a joke?

Give the credit to somebody else?

Immediately return another compliment?

Question whether they really mean it?

Once you notice the pattern, experiment with two words:

Thank you.

And then stop.

No explanation.

No:

“Thank you, but…”

Just:

“Thank you.”

You don’t even have to completely believe the compliment yet.

For now, you are simply practising not rejecting it.

And notice what happens.

You may feel slightly uncomfortable.

That doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong.

Sometimes uncomfortable simply means unfamiliar.

Can accepting compliments improve confidence?

One compliment isn’t suddenly going to undo years of self-doubt.

But consider what happens when you repeatedly refuse positive information about yourself.

Ten people tell you that you are good at something.

Ten times you reply:

“No I’m not.”

Nothing gets through.

Your existing belief never has to change.

Now imagine doing something slightly different.

Instead of rejecting the compliment, you allow yourself to think:

“Perhaps they can see something in me that I haven’t been recognising.”

That is a very different message.

You are beginning to give your mind new information.

Not forced positive thinking.

Not pretending to believe something you don’t.

Simply allowing another possibility to exist.

Sometimes confidence is less about creating something new and more about reconnecting with qualities that were there before self-doubt became louder.

I explore that idea in Where did my confidence go? Reconnecting with the determination you already have:

Can hypnotherapy help with confidence and self-worth?

Our beliefs about ourselves do not always sit at a purely logical level.

You may consciously know that you are capable.

You may have qualifications, experience, achievements and plenty of evidence to support that.

Yet another part of you may still respond from a much older belief.

That is often why simply telling yourself:

“I should be more confident”

doesn’t change very much.

Hypnotherapy gives us an opportunity to work with learned associations, emotional responses and automatic patterns at an unconscious level.

Where did that belief begin?

What has been reinforcing it?

What is your mind attempting to protect you from?

And does that old response still need to be there now?

Because sometimes the person who finds it difficult to accept a compliment isn’t lacking confidence or ability at all.

They have simply become extremely practised at overlooking the evidence.

And sometimes confidence isn’t about becoming somebody new.

It is about reconnecting with qualities that have been there all along.

If you would like to explore what may be sitting underneath your own confidence, self-worth or anxiety patterns, I offer a free 45-minute discovery call.

It gives us an opportunity to talk about what has been happening for you, what you would like to feel differently and whether hypnotherapy may be a suitable way forward.

Frequently asked questions about compliments and confidence

Why do I feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me?

A compliment can feel uncomfortable when it doesn’t match the way you currently see yourself.

Your automatic response may be to dismiss or question the compliment rather than reconsider a familiar belief about yourself.

Why can’t I take a compliment without deflecting it?

Deflecting compliments can become a learned response.

You may have learned to associate accepting praise with showing off, embarrassment or unwanted attention, or you may simply have repeated the response so often that it now happens automatically.

Is rejecting compliments a sign of low self-esteem?

It can be associated with low self-esteem or low self-worth, but not always.

Modesty, family habits, culture, anxiety and discomfort with attention can also influence how somebody responds to praise.

Can anxiety make compliments uncomfortable?

Yes.

If you tend to analyse situations afterwards, a compliment can trigger questions about whether the person really meant it, what other people think or whether you will be expected to perform equally well next time.

Why do I believe criticism but not compliments?

If criticism fits an existing negative belief about yourself, your mind may find it easier to accept.

Positive information that contradicts that belief may be questioned or dismissed.

Why do compliments make me anxious?

For some people, compliments create a feeling of being noticed or evaluated.

If attention already feels uncomfortable, even positive attention can trigger anxious thoughts.

How could I respond when somebody compliments me?

A simple “Thank you” is enough.

You do not need to justify yourself, minimise what you achieved or immediately return the compliment.

How can I get better at accepting compliments?

Begin by noticing your usual response.

Practise saying “Thank you” without adding an explanation or dismissing the praise.

The aim is not to force yourself to believe something.

It is simply to stop automatically rejecting positive information.

Frequently asked questions about hypnotherapy

What is hypnotherapy?

Hypnotherapy uses hypnosis therapeutically to help people work with thoughts, beliefs, emotional responses and learned patterns.

Hypnosis itself is a focused state of attention.

You are not asleep or unconscious, and you do not suddenly lose awareness of what is happening around you.

In my sessions, we use that focused state to work with unconscious patterns that may be contributing to things such as anxiety, self-doubt or lack of confidence.

What does hypnosis feel like?

There isn’t one particular feeling that tells you that you are hypnotised.

Some people feel deeply relaxed.

Others feel pleasantly focused.

You may notice your body feels heavier or lighter, or you may simply feel as though you are listening very closely.

You might hear every word I say, notice sounds around you or have thoughts wandering in and out.

That does not mean it isn’t working.

Will I be asleep during hypnotherapy?

No.

Although hypnosis is often associated with sleep, therapeutic hypnosis is not the same as being asleep.

Most people remain aware of what is happening throughout the session and can hear what is being said.

Can I get stuck in hypnosis?

No.

You cannot become permanently stuck in hypnosis.

You remain capable of bringing yourself out of the experience.

Hypnosis is not a state that traps you.

Will I lose control during hypnosis?

No.

One of the biggest misconceptions about hypnosis comes from stage hypnosis.

Clinical hypnotherapy is very different.

You do not hand control of your mind to the hypnotherapist.

You can still think, speak, move and make decisions.

I guide the process, but you remain involved throughout it.

Can a hypnotherapist make me do something I don’t want to do?

No.

Hypnosis does not remove your values, judgement or ability to choose.

You remain able to reject suggestions that do not feel right for you.

Clinical hypnotherapy is a collaborative process rather than somebody taking control of your mind.

What if I can’t be hypnotised?

People sometimes worry that they will not be able to “go under”, but hypnosis is not about switching off or reaching one particular depth.

If you can become absorbed in a book, film, conversation or familiar activity, you already understand something about focused attention.

There is no test you have to pass and no particular sensation you have to achieve.

Do I have to believe in hypnosis for it to work?

You do not have to arrive completely convinced that hypnotherapy will work.

It does help to be willing to engage with the process, listen and follow the guidance being given.

I have worked with plenty of people who arrived curious, uncertain or slightly sceptical.

You do not have to force yourself to believe anything.

Will I remember what happens during hypnotherapy?

Usually, yes.

Most people remember the session in much the same way that they remember any other deeply relaxed experience.

You may remember some parts more clearly than others, particularly during a longer session, but hypnotherapy is not about making you unconscious or deliberately removing your memory of what happened.

Is hypnotherapy the same as stage hypnosis?

No.

Stage hypnosis is entertainment.

Clinical hypnotherapy is a therapeutic process focused on the changes that you want to make.

There is no pressure to perform, entertain anybody or behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

My role is to listen first, understand what has been happening for you and then use hypnotherapy in a way that is relevant to what you want to achieve.

How do I know whether hypnotherapy is right for me?

That is exactly why I offer a free 45-minute discovery call.

It gives us time to talk about what has been happening, what you would like help with and what you would like to change.

You can also ask questions about hypnotherapy before deciding whether you would like to work with me.

There is no hypnosis during the discovery call and no obligation to book sessions afterwards.

Perhaps the compliment isn’t really the uncomfortable part

The next time somebody says something kind about you, notice what happens.

Not just what you say out loud.

Notice what happens inside.

If your immediate response is to dismiss, minimise or question the compliment, ask yourself:

What would it mean if I allowed this to be true?

Because perhaps confidence doesn’t begin with convincing yourself that you are somebody different.

Perhaps it begins with becoming willing to recognise the person who is already there.